A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
wtf is a larm clock?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it