A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You Might Also Like
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.