Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*