A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
BETRAYAL
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.