a man came to my show and sent me a lengthy message about how terrible the experience was because of the comfort of the chairs. do people think the comedian buys the chairs? i turn up 10 hours early, just assembling them from ikea flatpacks.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.