a man came to my show and sent me a lengthy message about how terrible the experience was because of the comfort of the chairs. do people think the comedian buys the chairs? i turn up 10 hours early, just assembling them from ikea flatpacks.
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Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.