A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
SONOFA
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.