A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
How long do you have to wait between naps?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Just grow your own
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.