Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.