A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
You Might Also Like
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me sliding into hell like
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?