Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

こいつ天才

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.