A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach