A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?