Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

*jazz hands*

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

🤷‍♀️

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.