Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…