A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Boom, boom, ching!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Go gym
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables