A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.

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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction


[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”


You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last


airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.


When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.


Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand


there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now


My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.


Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*