Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo