“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”
A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.
I wrote it in 2013.
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people: u should smile
me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks
“I’m a diamond in the rough.”
“That’s a whole lot of rough.”
not a day goes by where i don’t think of this
My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
I need a hobby where I say stuff and people follow me around.
I only shower to give my phone time to charge.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant