A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.

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“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”


people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks


“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”


My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.


He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.


If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.


Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant