Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Couple goals

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.