A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
This has made my week.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.