A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I’m sure it’s fine.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk