a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
looks legit
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I think this might be relevant today.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower