A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.