A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me as a therapist: omg same
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Last-minute gift idea!
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Lmao the reply
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
