A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”