A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.