A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
That 👊
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned