A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with