A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
How times have changed.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?