A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR