A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Seek kebab; not attention
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Someone should probably go check on Steve.