A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
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My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.