A man of commitment.
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The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
honestly, i need both:
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign