A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden