A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Yeah. This was me today.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.