a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Alexa turn off the planet
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon