a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
There is no “we” in pizza
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?