A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The internet is magic sometimes.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
#NoRestForTheWicked
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.