A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?