A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Namaste
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.