A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
A dad and his duck
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
TWEET CALL
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.