A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner