A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.