A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.