A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem