A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure