Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Dishonest mechanic?

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die