Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).