A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Bringing home a sharpie
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
