A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
From my Mom
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.