A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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