Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

excuse me

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

classic mixup

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years