Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

absolute chaos

Did my cat write this

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲