A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.