The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*Pops up from the backseat as you’re driving*
*Duct tapes your neck to the head rest*
Now, why are you telling people I’m crazy?!!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.