Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Name another movie that mislead you?

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

This is what makes twitter great

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.