A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
This is amazing.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill