@Lisabug74

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

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@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

@Pundamentalism

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

@ddsmidt

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all

@PieChord

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

@NicestHippo

*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.