any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
First you tried to absorb volcanos and earthquakes into your weather reporting and now you’re trying to do the same with COVID-19. Stay in your lane, Weather Channel.
[At make-up counter]
But does this lipstick come off of a taint?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.