@Lisabug74

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

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@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@Browtweaten

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokรฉmon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@ValeeGrrl

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@Quartzjixler

First you tried to absorb volcanos and earthquakes into your weather reporting and now you’re trying to do the same with COVID-19. Stay in your lane, Weather Channel.

@seandunn76

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.