A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?