A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[at a wedding]
*ding ding ding* I’d like to propose a toast
“Nooooooooooooooooo” *I grab all the bread and run*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve