A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
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[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate