Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]