Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

yikes

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

The Punning Dead.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here