Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.