A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated