A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
A completely valid reaction tbh
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine