A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
felt that
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop