A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
