A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I try
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
tinder is all about the long game
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?