Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

making my dog give me my pills

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

😆

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”