a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Great acting.. 😂
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.