Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

“Sheer Arrogance”