A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT